You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
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