I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
