i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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