ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
