I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
