I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
