got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
