I wish you could order shots online.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
