I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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