I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
