Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
