So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
