just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
