I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
