if i can run in heels then i can drive
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
