I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
