I like to think it a success when the cops are called
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
