there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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