Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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