i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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