A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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