a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
