Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just puked most of my soul out..
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
