I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize