Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
tonight lets celebrate not being married
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
