if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think I died a long time ago.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
