you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
