I'm going to jail i love you
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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