I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
