I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
