Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
