and you said cock pushups were impossible
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
