have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
