I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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