Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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