when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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