how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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