yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
