I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
