I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
