It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
