well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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