Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
why is half of my head shaved?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
