I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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