I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize