operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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