Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
