Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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