He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
