I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
