So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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