You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
