last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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