I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
