pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
