dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
