I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
