When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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