drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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